Why Can't You Love Me Or Die?
by Shukusen
Summary: ..Squall loves Seifer, Selphie loves Squall, Nobody likes gay people and Squall is sickened by his job..and Selphie's a drug addict! Fun!! It'll get real angsty toward the end again! Completed! Last Depressing Chapter Up! Read!
1. BOOM!

Isn't It Possible? Just For One Night?  
  
Why'd it have to be him? God…I might have had an easier chance with Zell..or Rinoa… even Irvine might have been more tangible then him.  
  
Seifer Almasy  
  
No one thinks I can feel love, that I'm not aloud to cry. much less that I ever would. ..They think Squall's just a heartless sword don't they? They'll never understand my love for him, never.but I hardly think it's possible in this world. I'd be even more of an outcast if anyone knew. If only I could be some stupid horny teenager.  
  
… Who can concentrate on being a mercenary? IS that what my life is about anyway? Being a leader of a group that's hired to kill? How can I bare to live this life? ..How can you put a price on life?..on happiness, on fun, on emotion..on life in general? It's sickening.  
  
iHeeeeey…Squall we gotta go for our SeeD mission..wakie wakie!/I ..I hate Selphie in the morning....  
  
  
  
I wonder about the future.  
  
Will I die alone? ..Not alone..Zell, and Rinoa, and Selphie will be there and the rest of them..but that isn't what I want. I only want him…Seifer and his arrogant ways..his eyes..and his rebellious spirit.. God Seifer, why can't I tell you anything?  
  
Not that it would matter. All hell would break loose if anyone knew. I can't be gay. People hate what they can't understand. ..I wonder when it happened. When did I ever start to love…..like Seifer? Perhaps it was back in the orphanage, but how could you be gay when you're a kid anyway? Isn't it supposed to develop? There's always an exception I suppose. Whatever.  
  
I Heeey you better wake up! We won't get the yellow truck!/I  
  
"What yellow truck? And what's with you and yellow? It's annoying,"  
  
"Yellow's my favorite! You better hurry you meanie!"  
  
"Selphie..do you sometimes gaze up at the sun for long periods of time?"  
  
"I did that one time! But it hurt, and the infirmary doctor person said it burned your cones in your eye or something! "  
  
"..I don't want to get up..go steal that blow doll I'm sure Rinoa has of me,"  
  
"Rinoa has a blow doll of you?"  
  
"No..I was being sarcastic."  
  
" Oh! You never joke! But get up anyway! 'Cause Rinoa won't like me seeing you naked!"  
  
..Blink Blink. Yes. I'm naked…without a blanket covering me…it was probably Rinoa raping me…she's a bit too obsessed…I wish I could get rid of her..maybe it would broaden my chance with him…I doubt it.  
  
"Come'on! Hurry! We still have a chance for yellow! Yellow! I'm gonna go now! Get dressed!"  
  
"You shouldn't be so optimistic!"  
  
But I don't think she heard me…she slammed the door shut a few seconds ago. Someone that cheerful must be on drugs. 


	2. God Damn Jerry Springer Love Triangles.....

  
It turns out Selphie was too late to get the yellow truck, but she got it anyway because she threw a fit until she got it. I didn't really wan to drive with her, but Rinoa was on the other team and Selphie wanted me to come with her. I wouldn't trust Zell or Selphie driving without me there. So anyway, we hopped in the truck and for a while, there was silence-broken only by Selphie saying "Yellow, yellow, yellow…" So it gave me a chance to think.   
  
Seifer, why do I have to love you? I'll never be satisfied with life, it'll all just be blood, gore, depression, and undying love. You know in romance novels, undying love is supposed to be a good thing. Well, unless your Jonathan dies in the war. Then you have to cheat on him..with an Anthony or something. But um, I wouldn't know about that of course, um..Rinoa tells me about those things.   
  
"Yo, Squall, Wha'cha thinking 'bout?"   
  
  
As if I could tell.   
  
"Um, handicapped people. How do they have sex? I mean, they could have like, oral sex, but never fuck. But I guess if the dude was in a wheelchair they might be able to do it, but would he even feel anything? Because, you know, he's paralyzed,"   
  
"….So, Selphie, where are we headed?"  
  
"We're going to Deling!" She took her eyes of the road and her hands off the wheel. "And we have ta help a group opposed against-" "Uhm, Selphie you might wanna…." "DON'T INTERUPT!-the government, and we have ta take General Caraway hostage-because he's in on some secret plan that's rumored to greatly affect th-"   
  
BOOM!  
  
"AUUUGGGHH!" We hit an empty shop. Why did I let Selphie drive? "Um..Zell, Selphie, you like, okay?" "I'm fine!" "You Squall I'm okay..but what do we do?" ..They always expect me to know. If I weren't around they'd forget how to breathe. "Um, lets just leave it…what can we do about it?" So that's what we did. On the train to Deling, I couldn't help but feel we were getting some strange looks.   
  
Whatever. You know what I wonder, how they know Angelo specifically and always include him in the Pet Pals Magazine. I smell conspiracy. "Why don't you ever talk to meee?" I blinked. "About what Selphie? How you get your hair to curl that way?"   
"Nooo..um, it's a lot of hair gel and spray and curling irons put on the highest setting,"  
  
"But..seriously..um..Squall...I'm smarter and complex then you think, you know,"  
  
I kind of knew that. But the question to be pondering here is..do I care?  
  
" Yea, so what Selphie?   
  
"Oh I don't know Squall..I just..just...wanted you to..."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
..And she ran over to me, stood on her toes and kissed me-not a friendly kiss. Not that they have those..what would a friendly kiss be anyway..anyways..with tongue is what I mean. And then she ran off.  
  
  
Blink.   
  
So Selphie likes me. I like Seifer.   
  
God damn Jerry Springer love triangles.  
  



	3. Squall..You're so good! Like a Yo Yo Ma ...

On the train Selphie just stayed in her little compartment, singing her train song I'm sure. .Uh huh I think I can hear it. But that song is addictive.  
  
  
  
Train train take me away…to the future we will go.. To where no one knows…  
  
  
  
How can a train take you to the future anyway? Is this one of those magical trains? And why don't we know where you're going? You could end up in like, some deserted island never being able to escape. I don't think I could stand that with Selphie. And Zell.  
  
You know I wonder if I really like them? If I were to quit SeeD would they still hang around? I know Rinoa would, but would they? Do they care? Probably not.  
  
((EEGH! Sorry to interrupt! But you have to read this! It made me cry! I don't cry easily! http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=659526&chapter=1))  
  
Why would they care anyway? Oh wait. I forgot about Selphie. She would probably stick around. Her and Rinoa would start their own little Squall Fan club. And pass out buttons. But the rest of them anyway. Are they just hanging around with me because it's their job. You know I never really considered before really, that I don't have any friends.  
  
But I want it to be like that.  
  
At least if I die I won't have to grieve.  
  
You know it would be cool if I could though. I'd like, break out of my coffin and be like, "Squall..nooooooo!!!! I loved you!"  
  
That would be odd. You know, if anyone really cared about me, it be kind of cool to die. Because then everyone grieve and remember me, and you know, all activites would stop for me! I could be like some dude who makes everyone depressed! They could all drink vodka! The cheap kind! They'll be sorry they didn't prevent my death!! Those Garden students-they care only about themselves! Did they throw themselves in front of a bullet for me?! Noooooo!  
  
…Oh yea. No one ever shot. Damn. Well one day…  
  
Ding Dong! "The train is now at Deling. Please remember to take all your baggage. unresponsible mother fuckers.."  
  
  
  
..I can't stand those train announcers with all their fancy charisma.  
  
  
  
"Heeeeyyy Squall! I just remembered something? Do you wanna join the Garden Festival Committee this time? I'm gonna get a new team-so my dream can be furfilled! I hear you play a mean violin!"  
  
  
  
She just kissed me and now she comes up like nothing happened and wants to know if I want to play the violin for her festival. I do play a good violin though. I'm a regular Yo Yo Ma! But doesn't he only play like the bass or cello? It seems like he would play the violin, but I'm not sure. Yeaa.. I know how to play a B flat! Right behind the A string almost at the knut…but not!  
  
"Um no. I suck at the violin, I would just bring your festival down, and everyone would be like 'WOW! Squall sucks! He ruined the festival and look at him repeatedly mess up that B flat!'"  
  
"But…but, Rinoa said you're really good!"  
  
"Rinoa says I'm good?"  
  
"Yea!"  
  
"Then I'll have to keep on buying that same brand of condom,"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Ewww..squall, I meant the violin! She says you're good with the violin!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
…. 


	4. Please Donate To the Deling City Bus Dri...

Okay. Deling. You know, aren't they suppose to charge to ride buses? I mean, how are the bus drivers and guy who stands there getting PAID? Does he and his family have to sustain themselves on leather boots? I was there once. Rinoa was looking for me, 'cause everyone said I slept with Quistis, so I had to hide in my room and chew on my boots. And it was hard. Because you know, nothing is in my room but a bed and that giant Griever thing on the easel. And the desk with the odd cases on it. I wonder what those are. They just appeared one day……..  
  
"Heeeey Squally, lets get this bus to Caraway's Mansion! Or we'll have to walk a few screens!"  
  
Screens. What does she know..  
  
"Yo Squall hurry!"  
  
So I got on the bus. Selphie got a window seat. She always gets everything….you wonder why Zell never gets any hotdogs in the cafeteria? It's 'cause Selphie always gets the last one.  
  
The only thing I like about mansions is some crazy shit always happens and I forget about him. I'm glad Seifer isn't a SeeD. I'd never be able to complete any missions with him around…and he'd probably try to kill me. Oh Seifer..thank god or you not being able to take orders.  
  
"Heeey Squall?"  
  
"Stop saying 'Heeey' just say, Squall, or Hey Squall, it's only one e!"  
  
"Ummm okaaaay."  
  
AUGH!  
  
"Anyway, when we complete this mission, we have to go out and have a victory drink!"  
  
..How's she so sure we won't fail? I mean, we like, almost always do. Timber, fail. Assasinate the Sorceress in Deling fail. Keep the missles from blowing up Trabia Garden, fail. You name it, we probably failed.  
  
And part of me thinks she wants to get me drunk like in those high school movies…I'll end up naked in a dumpster I'm sure. Isn't it usually the guys who do that though? Well I'm sure there can be a switch. I won't have that.  
  
"I'll have no part of your evil scheme!! You're breaking the law!! You can't touch me!"  
  
"What?"  
  
Oh yea. Better not let my thoughts go away again.  
  
"I'm talking to my invisible friend..Jason. He tries to get me to burn things,"  
  
"Oh, I have an invisible friend! But she's good! She makes me donate to charity!"  
  
"What charity is that?"  
  
"The Bus Driver of Deling City Charity!"  
  
Ooohhh. So that explains it. So I'm the only one who's sustained themselves with a boot? Heey, I could be in some kind of book for that! 


	5. ...Squall sucks at DDR...but he has his ...

"Booyaka!"  
  
"Booyaka? Selphie…booyaka?"  
  
"Yea, I haven't said it in like, forever!"  
  
"Yo, Squall! You never talk to me! You just talk to Selphie! You loooooove her!"  
  
Nah. I couldn't like Selphie. Of course, it would make things easier. I mean, I wouldn't be subject to the hatred that I would get if anyone knew…and I doubt a ladies man like Irvine could really love Selphie. Damn. It makes me wish I could take those easy choices. I could like, leave scary Rinoa behind, and go to some island with Selphie. Selphie doesn't need food. She only needs yellow crayons. Hmm..huh. What? My thoughts are weird.  
  
"….I don't like Selphie…..and lets go so we can go to a bar and be arrested for underage drinking!"  
  
So at Caraway's Mansion Zell knocked on the door. He likes big brass knockers. ..Secretly I think he collects them! They're a sign of his insecurity! He needs counciling!  
  
"Squally! How come you never talk? I know you think a lot..because you're like, really smart! You're IQ must be like, 166! So tell me what you're thinking!"  
  
Why can't they just leave me alone?  
  
"I'm thinking about Dance Dance Revolution. Zell's all good at it. But you know, I always step too quickly and get F's! It's tragic! The boo's are breaking me, slowly, and slowly! But they shall succeed! Rah!"  
  
"..Squally, I'm sorry about your problem. would you like me tah help? Because..you know. You might be good at ParaParadise! I bet you could Para Para like um..something that ParaPara's well!"  
  
"No, Alas, my dream is to become..become..the greatest person at Dance Dance Revolution. First at Garden, then Balamb, and finally, the world!! I will win!"  
  
"Oh… okay,"  
  
Zell was still knocking with the knocker, but that didn't work, so he just punched it real hard.  
  
Of course you know there's going to be a big twist. And you'll go GASP! You will. OR maybe you won't you never know. But really I expected this because it was unexpected and umm anyway, who should answer but……  
  
Seifer Almasy! 


	6. The Moogle Boxers, The Kiss, and The War...

In his underwear. Tee hee. I sound like a girl..egh. I figured he wore boxers. Little moogle boxers!!  
  
Silence and shocked looks for a second.  
  
"……What're you doing here Seifer?!"  
  
"That's not your concern chicken wuss!"  
  
"Squally! Do something!"  
  
..Blink. But of course, the dark depressing feely side took over me. What could I do? I could never hurt Seifer,looks like I might have to though. But why was he here naked anyway? He obviously just woke up…um..Caraway wans't there of course if that's what anyone would think. …Um..okay…so find out why he's there….and then do what you have to do, Squall. You're a mercenary. Yeaaaaaa, but I wasn't sent here to kill Seifer. Not a cute looking Seifer in his underwear. Yeaaa…but by all means you have to get Caraway doing whatever It means to get him. Yea, but I'm trained to fight and kill..not interrogate!  
  
"…So should I get my gunblade or what?"  
  
  
  
Damn. Running out of time. Why am I all panicky? ..Fuck this. But you shouldn't let your personal life get in the way of your job. I don't care! I'm leaving. Let Mr. Icandancedancerevolutionbetter thenyousothere! Handle it. But I can't just leave. Yea. You're right I can't.  
  
  
  
So I did a Selphie. I stood up and kissed Seifer.  
  
It was so bitter sweet and warm! I didn't wanna let go of course…but……I could see Zell and Selphie out of the corner of my eye. They were shocked….and my toes hurt. Standing up on them puts a lot of pressure of them..and..it hurts! And who knows what Seifer was thinking. So I pulled away, stepped back, and ran.  
  
Ran where? Who knows. Just down the streets, and past the city limits and as luck may have it..caught a train.  
  
  
  
Who cares if I fail a SeeD mission? They can't get rid of me. But, oh god. What now. Garden will be hell. You can't be gay…you can't even be bi. Well fuck them. What the hell do I care what anyone else thinks?!  
  
I care a lot I guess. More then most people even. I just hide it well.  
  
But I can't show it. If I ever see Seifer again, which I doubt..who knows. All actions have consequences I guess. ..Was it worth it to kiss Seifer? Now I might never see him again. But why? …That doesn't make any sense.  
  
Surely Seifer would come to torment me along with everyone else.  
  
((Poor Squall! I'm sorry that that chapter sucked so much..really! I do!)) 


	7. ..Owie! Fountains hurt!

What am I afraid of? I shouldn't care what other people think of me. Not much, anyway. I should be like that girl with the spikey pink hair. But I'm not. I shouldn't be afraid to go. To go home.  
  
  
  
What can they do? They can break your spirit. And drive you into suicide. Like in that one book! …Yea, that was a good book…very well written I could totally feel what the dude was going through. ..Um okay. I have a big problem…and I'm thinking of how good a book is. Better stay on task.  
  
"Last Stop! Balamb! So get off you scary loner in the back!!"  
  
I'm not scary! I'm scary when I dress up for Halloween…not…. that I do that anymore…but um..when I did, I was scary! Anyway…So I got off. I couldn't help but feel I was getting strange looks. Stop looking at me!!  
  
One practically suspicious old lady was giving me the creeps. I couldn't stand it.  
  
"SO WHAT IF I'M GAY?!?! YOU'RE MEAN!"  
  
….She only responded, "Your fly is open"  
  
Oh. Hee hee..eee… I should stop acting like this. I have to look conspicuous!  
  
  
  
So I started walking all cool like.  
  
On the way to Garden I wondered what I was going to do. Whatever. Better not worry about it. Like that one contented dog once said, "Does worrying about the rain make it stop?!" ..Or was that a cat? I need to stop reading those little children's books. -.- But seriously, contented cat does sound better-but it doesn't sound like something a cat would say…hmmm…  
  
And so up I went. The stairs always seemed a lot longer then this. Hmm… But that's okay! Because up at the top I had a welcoming party! …Oh. It was just Fuijin and Raijin..and oh..there was Seifer.  
  
Heeeeey..how did Seifer get here before me?  
  
…But that wasn't the question to be pondering. Why were they waiting. Maybe they're waiting for Selphie. Seifer could love Selphie. This was stupid. You know what they want. I know. I just like to be in denial.  
  
I usually love it when I'm right. Not this time..grr.  
  
…I think I remember Seifer picking me up and throwing me head first into the giant fountain thing. But it's hard to remember. It was all black after that. However, I do remember being all wet and alone and cold and dizzy.  
  
I also remember walking to my dorm, dripping water all over the place, and getting gasps and looks from people. Damn Seifer. I don't like the water!  
  
  
  
Well I guess this wasn't so bad. Being thrown into a fountain and blacking out wasn't so bad. Atleast you know, I didn't like drown or something. I wonder how people consider death as escaping. It's not really…it's just like…a temporary solution. That just goes on forever…. Damn. I sound like an episode of 7th Heaven! Grr..  
  
Well that's what I thought until I reached my dorm. …There was Rinoa. Oh god. Not Rinoa!  
  
"Tell me Squall…what the fuck is wrong with you? You're GAY?! How could you be gay?! Don't you care about me? Don't you care about yourself?! Your reputation, MY reputation?"  
  
Is that all it is with her? Reputation? And what does she mean by her reputation? What do I have to do with her reputation?  
  
"Are you even going to answer?!"  
  
"…Do I have to?"  
  
"Fuck you Squall! I hope you're killed! People like you shouldn't be aloud to live!" 


	8. What's one little cut?

Rinoa made me feel like I had an icicle in my chest. How would that feel…hhmmmm. Oh yea! I DO know! Even if I didn't physically love her, I did have feelings for her. I emotionally loved her. I guess physical love reins over emotional love…. which is why I love Seifer. But still. Loosing Rinoa hurt. Like being thrown head first into a fountain full of……acid.  
  
  
  
And she hoped I would die. She doesn't really mean it, right? No. She's just pissed. Right? Yea. I'm sure. But what if she isn't? Is she cheering for Seifer? Maybe Seifer will try to kill me. I guess I could kill him if my life depended on it. But that's life. Always a constant struggle I guess.  
  
  
  
I guess I should get up. I don't have to. I could lay here forever..never have to see Rinoa or Seifer again. Or anyone. I could pay someone to deliver rations and slide them under the crack under the door. That could work. But how am I going to reach someone? Hmm.. So I guess my only choice was to get up.  
  
  
  
So I opened my giant closet of white undershirts and leather pants and put some on. You can wear the same jacket I hope…because I've been doing it for years..hmm. Has everyone been too polite to tell me? Well they can't really talk. I hear Zell just has one pair of clothes he washes them once a week. But that's just what I hear. But um yes.  
  
Got out of bed, holding my head and I opened the door and scuttled down the hall.  
  
But the fun was gonna begin! 'Cause Seifer was waiting for me! All alone! With his gunblade! And my gunblade! They must've taken it when I blacked out. Hmmm.  
  
"Hiya, Squall, how you doing?"  
  
Blink. This is scary. I can't stand it when they're all nice and then break into a fit of fury. "Ooooh I'm fine..I was just going to check into a scary inn in a bad neighborhood and read a Stephen King novel,"  
  
  
  
  
  
"Hmm..that's nice. I took a little poll,"  
  
  
  
A poll? Hmmmm. This was getting scarier.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"And it seems people are gonna give you a hard time because you're gay,"  
  
  
  
  
  
Why did he care? What was he trying to do to me? This is just getting scarier.  
  
  
  
"So I just wanted to remind you.."  
  
Remind me of what? Is Seifer all high again?  
  
  
  
"That incase it gets too hard,"  
  
That you'll comfort me? No, can't expect that of course.  
  
  
  
"There's ways to relieve pain you know,"  
  
  
  
Blink. What was he getting at?  
  
  
  
"You could try cutting or drinking..they always helped me,"  
  
..eeggh….he was right. But I would never do anything like that of course. And how did they always help him? Hmm…. Seifer was odd. He's just trying to get me to hurt myself…not that most people wouldn't benefit. People don't like things they can't understand, I guess.  
  
"Umm..yea..thanks Seifer, I'll try that..I hear cutting is really good for you,"  
  
"Hey, don't forget," He winked and tossed me my gunblade. What a sicko. Aha! What a sicko? I must not like him! …mm..nope. I still do…..but even more now I guess. I like dominance..I hate leading.  
  
  
  
No one would look at me all day. Those who did gawked at me like I was in a cage.  
  
Fine whatever. Let them leave me alone.  
  
And then there was the whispering and pointing. That was scary…you never knew what they were saying. And then I got glares. And people down the halls would cough and say fag or something. Whatever. I say whatever a lot. Sigh. I wonder if it's a sign. And I sat alone at meals. No one to talk to but myself. And you know, one time I had a bunch of writings all over my door..slashed in my door is a better description. Even my old SeeD 'friends' won't talk to me.  
  
Everyone thinks I'm a freak. Rinoa doesn't care, Seifer doesn't care, no one does. No one gives a fuck about Squall I guess.  
  
Maybe Seifer was right. Right about a few things. Right about cutting. I could try…no…..I can't give anyone satisfaction.  
  
Oh what the fuck do I care now about satisfaction? …It's only been seven days of this hell and I can't stand it.  
  
I never knew it before. But I need people. Someone to talk to. Even if I don't think I can stand being around them a second longer.  
  
Maybe I could just try it-and see how it works.  
  
  
  
  
  
One little cut couldn't hurt.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Right? 


	9. Sayonara

Cutting hurt. But as much as it hurt I was kinda relieved. Even though it was only for a few minutes or so-I just kinda forgot about everything. But after a while the blood became a reminder.   
So I guess cutting is my only joy. Or mockery of joy. So the only I guess that's keeping me from suicide is my gunblde. And this bottle of vodka  
  
I really don't know if I want to die.  
  
I guess I don't really care.  
  
  
With every cut kind of feeling better because I'm punishing myself. I suppose I should be for being too different. And with every drink I take I guess I'm killing myself further. I wonder if I should be worried?  
  
Probably not. I don't think? I can help it now. I think I just cut the vein.   
  
I've probably lost too much blood to go back now.   
  
So I guess now I'll take a few shots of vodka.  
  
Yea. It's getting harder to breath and write. So I guess I'm leaving now.  
  
But I'll be fine.  
  
  
  
Because in Hell, most people go there because they've committed a crime. I'm gust going because I'm too different.  
  
I guess I really don't want to die. But it's too late to go back now I guess. In Deling I spoke about death with a sense of humor. And I thought bloodshed was a bad thing. Imagine that.  
  
  
Sayonara. 


End file.
